This Is the Part Where I Tell You Agencies Suck
Most of my clients have the same origin story.
They were growing, making waves, and figured:
"Time to get serious. Time to hire a marketing agency — just like the big companies do."
A friend swore by their “guys.”
Their biz-bro buddy said, “Focus on making money. Let the pros handle the marketing.”
So they signed on with an agency.
I can't blame them for being seduced by the slick pitch deck...
The over-the-top promises...
And the agency's reassurance that they were experts in the client's niche.
And then the first bill was paid…
Nothing.
Weeks passed without the revenue needle moving.
The agency said, “Be patient. These things take time.”
So the biz owner waited.
Weeks turned into months...
And the only thing moving fast was the invoice.
Then, because my clients are dummies, they started wondering: What exactly am I paying these clowns for?
Fancy monthly reports showing nice open rates… but flat revenue?
Pretty emails that don’t sell (and oddly enough look just like every other client’s emails)?
Bragging rights at networking events when they'd say, “Well, my agency said…”
Here’s what I do instead:
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I write and build emails that sell — without looking like a coupon spam blast.
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I create strategies for your business, not your niche.
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I don't recycle email designs and content from other clients
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I move fast, communicate clearly, and deliver on time — every time.
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If you want to keep paying for agency fluff, be my guest.
If you want email marketing that actually makes you money (and makes you smile), you should consider the 30-Day Jumpstart
MEET the
30-Day JumpstarT
This isn’t a course. It’s not coaching. It’s not “we’ll get to it in Q3.”
It’s me — the one and only John Kuhlman — building a strategy, writing the words, setting up the flows, and giving you a 30-day campaign plan so your emails start pulling their weight.
Here’s what you get:
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One flow built or optimized so it actually drives sales
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30-day content calendar so you know what’s going out and why
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2–3 fully written, done-for-you emails so you can stop guessing what to say
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Five smart segments so you’re not sending the same thing to everyone
By the end of the month, you’ll have a system in place that can scale...
Without you writing a single sentence...
Or using generic AI-generated content that continues to underwhelm and overuse AI's favorite word, "elevate."
HOW IT WORKS:
Apply → I build → You profit.
It's that easy.
PRICE:
$750 flat.
No surprises.
(And no “strategy calls” where I pitch you for 45 minutes before actually helping.)
WHY JOHN?
The Part Where I Brag (A Little)
I’m John Kuhlman—email strategist + copywriter for ecommerce brands on Shopify/Klaviyo. My specialty is taking the part you hate (writing, planning, tinkering in Klaviyo) and turning it into a system that quietly prints revenue.
What I’m good at (and you probably don’t want to do):
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Turning “we should send something” into a real plan that sells
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Writing emails that sound human and move product
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Fixing one high-leverage flow so it actually earns its keep
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Segmenting so you’re not shouting the same message at everyone
What I don’t do:
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Agency bloat, mystery retainers, or 47-slide decks
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Pass my work on to "my team" because there is no team. Just me.
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“Spray and pray” weekly promos that tank deliverability
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Corporate memo voice. If it reads like oatmeal, we’re not shipping it.
How I work (so you can stop babysitting email):
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Clear scope → quick kickoff → I build → you approve → we launch
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Light, honest check-ins. No jargon. No disappearing acts.
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Results framed in plain English: engagement up, revenue per send up, complaints down
Why clients keep me around:
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Their calendar gets handled, their flows make money, and they don’t have to do anything but approve the work
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I’m fast, sane, and allergic to drama
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Discreet by design (I ghostwrite—your brand gets the spotlight, not me)
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If you want email off your plate and profit back on it, you’re in the right place.
BRANDS I'VE WORKED WITH
3 WAYS TO RENT MY BRAIN
Think of me as your email guy—minus the beard oil, jargon, and Instagram hustle quotes.
30-Day Email Jumpstart
Perfect for business owners who want to start selling more with email...without spending the next six months figuring it out.
Email Profit Tune-Up
Perfect for the confident marketer who’s 80% sure they’re doing it right and wants to fix the other 20%.
CHIEF CLICK OFFICER
Perfect for brands ready to hand over the wheel to someone who can grow revenue, run strategy, and keep the emails flowing.
Shameless Bragging, Disguised as Proof
Get emails about making emails that make you money
Because nothing says “smart business” like using my ideas to fill your bank account.